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09/08/2004: "Old-time nonsense"

Columnist Linda Valdez, in a column published in the Seattle Post-Intelligencer, trots out the usual clichés about the sinister link between the Republican Party and conservative Christians:

The platform promises that old-time litmus for judicial appointments.

Translation: I'm not referring to the litmus test whereby no person, no matter how qualified, gets a confirmation vote from Senate Democrats if they even hint that they think Roe v. Wade isn't holy writ.

It calls for constitutional amendments that define life and marriage according to one religious ideology.

Translation: I know this is so because of course no one who is not a fundamentalist Christian is in favor of either one. Marriage was only defined as between one man and one woman for the first 200+ years of American history because of the stranglehold that fundamentalists had on the legal system. And groups like Feminists for Life are oxymoronic, and so must either not really exist or be secret fronts for Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell.

It even says faith-based organizations that accept public money should be able to discriminate in hiring practices. Holy–and I do mean "holy"–cow!

Translation: Because there's no conceivable way any organization, no matter how religious, should have control over such matters as whether their personnel actually reflect that organization's views. I mean, they let members of the religious right sit on the governing board of Planned Parenthood. Don't they?

I have nothing against fundamentalist Christians.

Translation: I do, however, think they are troglodytes who keep their women barefoot and pregnant, want to kill gays, and would probably reintroduce slavery if they got half a chance.

They have every right to their beliefs.

Translation: I don't care what they do in the privacy of their own homes. They should, however, be totally excluded from the marketplace of ideas.

But America is not a theocracy, and America's founding document should not be amended to reflect the views of a coalition of like-minded religious groups.

Translation: The Constitution should only be amended when it reflects the views of like-minded secular people.