03/04/2004: "And now, the answer to an age-old question"
As a finalist in the "King of the Blogs" competition, I have the honor of answering this challenge question: "how much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck would chuck wood?"
I know that you've all been wondering this; in fact, you've spent the better part of your lives seeking the answer to this question. Among the seekers after this esoteric knowledge are certain otherwise unknown denizens of the Department of Agriculture, who in their intense need to know commissioned a $612 million study, carried out by the Universities of Wisconsin, Minnesota, Iowa, and every other state where woodchucks are found. Dozens of zoologists, botanists, environmental engineers, economists, statisticians, and athletic directors spent thousands of man-hours delving into the secrets of woodchucks--what they do to have fun, how they prepare meals, who they see for dental work, where they buy their aspirin, the whole ball of wax. Finally, when the research was done, a highly classified report, running to over 12,000 pages, was deposited with the Office of the Secretary of Agriculture, who of course signed off on it and passed it along to the President. The Commander-in-Chief was fascinated by the report, being a big fan of woodchucks, and ordered it distributed to every federal agency for action. Most used it for scrap paper, but the Pentagon, seeing a potential for a new weapons system, gave it to their specialists in rodent-based warfare. Fortunately for a world in need of an answer, the Pentagon leaks like a sieve, and so now it can be told. (DRUMROLL......) How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck would chuck wood?
47
Now, don't you feel better?
